Wednesday, December 30, 2009
So yesterday there was a shooting at Barona Casino. A disgruntled former employee came to the casino, shot his former boss, and then turned the gun on himself. LOL (click here for the news story) Anyway, as always we decided to turn tragedy into comedy. Enjoy.
Even Barona employees are making light of co-worker murder / suicide. Feels good man. Anyways I gtg, I'm having dinner at Barona with some freinds.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Well I was supposed to post drinking games, but I didn't because I'm a pissflap. Instead I have decided to make myself available to all the super fine ladies out there that tune in to our (not mine) stupid (very) website full of vidyas. In a segment we here at damn hot radio station call: "We'll literally sleep with anyone"
Bachelor Number 17: Grant
My Idea of a great first date:
I would take you out for a dinner and tournament at Medieval Times and we would both yell at the serving wench when she refused to give us more than 2 beers. Then we would get pissed and leave and throw the rotisserie chickens they brought us at the Green Knight because he is a dick any way. After fending off security and the court wizard with nothing but our wits, an empty pitcher of ye olde Coca Cola and a handful of banners for the Red Knight (hell yea) we would make our way to the stables and feed the horsies carrots. :3
Hunchbacks, 4H members
Dudes and Dudes Butts
All this could be yours ladies! (no dudes)
In other news: Chris "Madfrog" Madero gives birth to La Chupacabra's love child?! The scandal! The horror! The kinky jungle sex! We'll tell all, next time we decide to write a blog post!
Also check out the kick ass Jew Xmas (with 80% moar lobster) and other stuff our gigantic and well funded New Media division has churned out.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Recently while looking through my vast archives of gay pornography, I stumbled across an old sketch that I shot with my friend Aaron. This video is about 3 years old, and is the result of boredom and a very serious hangover. It took about 10 minutes to shoot. It's not funny enough to go on the website, so I thought I'd put it on the blog.
tl;dr It's an old video I found on my computer. Enjoy <3
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
So Chris has mastered the art of pissing off his homeowners association. He's constantly smoking pot, and the neighbors assume he's some kind of serious drug kingpin and constantly call the cops on him (Fortunately Chris has his medical card, so his marijuana use is legally sound according to California Health and Safety code 11362.5). Well here's a fun fact: apparently if you have your medical card, you're legally allowed to smoke weed ANYWHERE THAT SMOKING CIGARETTES ARE LEGAL. Chris was smoking a joint outside and a cop came up to him to talk about his neighbors complaining, and Chris was like: "Do you want me to put out my joint?" And the cop said: "No sir, it would be illegal for me to tell you to extinguish that." LOLWUT
What kind of ass-backwards world is this when it's illegal for a cop to tell you NOT to smoke weed? Seems legit I guess. THANKS SDPD
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Lisa > TK - 1:09 AM: "Totally not sober. Uh oh"
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Yo kids, I got a job shooting for Girls Gone Wild, and I'll be on tour with them for the next couple of weeks so I won't be tweet-blogging on this information super-highway for a while.
I'll leave you with this week's drinking game: The Big Lebowski. This game is very simple, the simplest we've posted so far. There are only two rules: Every time The Dude drinks a Caucasian / White Russian, you have to drink a Caucasian / White Russian, and every time The Dude drinks a beer, you have to drink a beer.
If you want to play in veteran/hardcore mode, take a hit off a bong every time he smokes weed. Enjoy! Next week Grant will post our most epic drinking game yet:
~TOUR DE FRANZIA~
Friday, November 20, 2009
Hey kids, I forgot to post the Children of Men drinking game on Wednesday, so with no further ado, here it is. Enjoy!
Drink once every time:
- Theo (Clive Owen) drinks alcohol or holds alcohol in his hand
- Jasper (Michael Caine) smokes weed or has a blunt in his hand
- Jasper (Michael Caine) asks someone to pull his finger
- A shot lasts longer than 1 min without a cut
- You see a random live animal(s) in the shot
- You see graffiti about The Uprising
- Blood gets on the lens
- A main (speaking role) character dies, or if their death is implied
Finish your beer if:
- You see a floating Pink Floyd pig OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE
- A shot lasts longer than 4 min without a cut
If you haven't seen Children of Men, you're a savage. Watch in once without the drinking game (in widescreen, unless you're a jack-off), and then play it with the above rules. Click here to watch the Children of Men trailer.
Now click here to watch HotDamnTV's Twilight: New Moon parody trailer.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Inside scoop: Grant totally had the greenlight from the director of the episode to walk off the Next bus TOTALLY NUDE but the girl chose the asshole right before Grant, so he never actually went off of the bus (making Grant 80% less famous than he would have been), however lulz still ensued. Protip: if you rub your nipples for 15 seconds they get hard as DIAMONDS.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
On Saturday, I received two things in the mail. One was a check with even MORE insurance money (Hey Lisa, wanna hang out?). The other was an official notice of a WARRANT FOR MY ARREST
omg omg omg
Naturally I was confused as to what the warrant was for, because I commit SO much crime all the time (see our Oct 22 blog entry). After much legal counsel (ie: drinking at an ICP show with Grant) I discovered that the warrant was issued because I forgot a court date for (here's where the comedy comes in) pissing in public. LOLOLOLOLOL ($2,500 bail)
Needless to say, my father is proud of me. I'd also like to take this time to point out that HotDamnTV is having a contest! Send a picture, paragraph, or video to email@example.com describing why you're good at sex. One lucky winner will be allowed to give me conjugal visits when I'm on the inside!
Pic related, it's me holding a suppressed MP5 and a warrant for my own arrest.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
H: "I'm ashamed of you"
L: *didn't respond cuz I was sleeping*
H: "I saw girl gone wild. gettin with guys for their money... sicko"
L: " "HAHAHAHA girls like money"
H:"at the same time im proud that you're famous on the internet via youtube"
L: "I don't think I'm famous yet... maybe one day"
H: "lol you realize their is a video of you feeling your boobs and having money thrown at you on the internet, right?"
L: "it's mostly a highlight of my life. I wouldn't worry about it. Sometimes comedy"
She's a keeper <3 Look forward to a new sketch this week, also the 'Children of Men' drinking game will be posted on the blog on Wednesday AIGHT L8
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Drink once every time:
- The Spirit philanders a broad
- The Spirit talks about "the city"
- Someone gets shot
- You hear a kitten cat meowing
- A retard gets really fucked up / killed (Ethos / Pathos / etc)
- The Spirit Jumps over/off something or does unnecessary parkour
- Sam Jackson talks about eggs or his dislike of them on his face
Finish your beer if:
- You see a dinosaur OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE
- Sam Jackson dresses like a Nazi
Reviews: "I'm definitely pretty drunk and i didn't have to think about it. The movie kept me intrigued and I was interested even though I've seen it before. If TK was a superhero he would be The Spirit because he's obsessed with girls. Based on this experience I would like to try another Grant drinking game."
Have fun kids! Next week: a "Children of Men" drinking game by TK.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
TK was promptly given 40 lashes for leaving over $9000 worth of a/v gear in his trunk in a lousy neighborhood. But don't fret kids, because our property was covered by insurance, and we'll be making new videos in no time!
For the time being, here's some camera-phone fun we had when TK cashed the insurance checks:
Look for a Twilight: New Moon parody trailer coming very soon! <3
Thursday, October 22, 2009
"Grand larceny, petty larceny, trespassing, driving under the influence of alcohol above a .08, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, engaging in lewd conduct in a public place, engaging in lewd conduct while driving under the influence of a controlled substance, engaging in lewd conduct with a minor between the ages of 16 - 17 years, fraud, breaking and entering, felony possession of a Schedule III controlled substance, felony sale of a Schedule III controlled substance, felony sale of a schedule IV controlled substance, providing alcohol to minors, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, exhibition of speed, exhibition of acceleration, reckless endangerment, causing a public nuisance, disturbing the peace, defacing government property, theft of police property, transporting explosives across state lines, illegally transporting a Schedule III controlled substance across state lines, evading arrest, obstruction of justice, knowingly receiving stolen property, impersonation to make another liable, perjury, assault with a deadly weapon, accessory to a felony, accessory after the fact, welfare fraud, bank fraud, identity theft, copyright infringement, and jaywalking."
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Srsly, make sure you check out our Twilight: New Moon Trailer parody, coming soon! Also, our brand new website should be launching in the next couple of days, shit is so cash. In other news, TK is going to LA this weekend for 2 reasons: to try to get Conan O'Brien to sign a copy of Conan The Barbarian, and to BE ON NATIONAL TV ON SUNDAY. That's right bitches, TK managed to get himself on some reality pilot, which they will be shooting in downtown LA on Sunday morning. Here's hoping his entire story doesn't end up on the cutting room floor! Videos will be posted soon of all these good times.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement."
tl;dr: Benjamin Franklin says Bag it and Tag it. Also cougars ftw. Bitches don't know about TRULY epic Ben Franklin quotes.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
we worked on some filming for the new hotdamn twilight/new moon related video
in it you will learn:
Why is kristen stewart’s voice so low?
Why edward cullen really left bella
Why that black vampire really wanted to eat bella
Who shot first, Han or Greedo?
everyone remembers the alleged rape of a stripper by the duke lacross team a few years ago (duke lacross would be a great porn name by the way)
well were all about breaking news on the hotdamntv blog so here is the latest on another rape at duke university, this time involving the soccer team:
That’s right, kids. The famous HotDamnTV 77 Racer (Brad’s Garage, Beer Pong FAIL, Nominal Racer, and many more) may get blown up on national TV if we’re lucky. I entered it in the “Conan, Please Blow Up My Car” contest for the Tonight Show. Basically, Conan is looking for the worst car in America, and when he finds it he’s going to blow it up with explosives on the Tonight Show, and then give the owner a brand new Lexus! Here is my entry:
In unrelated news, some douchebag left some disrespectful comment about the Megan Fox on the site and the blog. Now, normally, I don’t care when people do this (because hey, you can’t please everyone), but this is one of those assholes who is too much of a pussy to say something IRL, but will knock you hard on the internet (see “internet tough guy“). Here is the comment and my response.
“I sat in the row in front of this guy. Security got him as he sat down and took him aside. They looked at his badge and said “this obviously isn’t your badge, who’s is it.” He said “It’s my mom’s badge.” Loser.”
My response (click to enlarge)
Here are his email addresses:
Feel free to send obscene pictures and put the email addresses on spam lists. :D
I regret not voting for obama, but not for the reasons you would think.
I realise now if i had, i could make any racist joke and say any black racial slur i wanted.
Then, if anyone of any race criticized me for it and called me a racist i could just say “hey, i voted for obama!”
too bad i didnt think of this before the election. (Maybe in 3 years)
Here is another epic story from Comic Con that most of you probably haven’t heard: How I crashed Megan Fox’s premiere party for Jennifer’s Body (written by Diablo Cody).
So on Thursday, me and Matt Holland (the guy who gave me his extra Comic Con badge) went to the Kickass panel (Kickass is an upcoming Mark Millar movie starring Nicholas Cage and Christopher Mintz-Plasse, it looks AMAZING). Matt got up to the mic to ask Millar to have a beer with him, and Millar said he would probably grab a beer at the Hyatt before he went back to Scotland or whatever.
With this in mind, Matt and I went to the Hyatt that night in an attempt to do some kind of legitimate Hollywood networking. We looked at both of the downstairs bars at the Hyatt but alas, no Mark Millar. We were about to leave when we saw a sign that said KIN Nightclub - 3rd floor. We thought “Mark Millar is Hollywood elite, he must be at this nightclub.” So up we went.
When we got upstairs, we were disappointed to find out that there were over 9000 security guards. We tried to tell one of them that we were there to see Mark Millar, and the guard was about to blow us off, but then he saw my Sony HVR-Z1U. He assumed we were press, and pushed us through to the girl with the VIP list. I read a name off the list when she wasn’t looking, and she gave us two beautiful Myspace wristbands, ensuring anyone skeptical that we did in fact belong there.
As we were walking, we passed this red carpet and saw every celebrity ever. XOMG STAN LEE
Then we went to the bar and this happened:
And then I woke up and experienced most of Friday’s Comic Con still wasted from Megan Fox’s party. I was definitely still drunk when I asked her to be in a sex tape with me. Personally I would have much rather just had a beer with Mark Millar, because he’s over 9000 times cooler than Megan Fox.
“A guy gets halfway through asking Megan Fox a question about sex tapes before getting kicked out.”
- Katey Rich, cinemablend.com
“In customary Hall H fashion, things quickly got sleazy and weird, with various men proceeding to propisition Fox. One guy with a shoulder-mounted camera asks Fox to star in a sex tape with him…”
- Nick de Semlyen, empireonline.com
“An audience member asks Fox if she’d be interested in a celebrity sex tape, and the audience boos him down. Brolin says, “I’d love to see what that guy looks like in 30 minutes.”
- Michael Buckner, spike.com
“Some moron asked Megan Fox if she’d be interested in helping him kick-off his film career by filming a sex tape. He was pulled away immediately.”
- Vic Holtreman, screenrant.com
Yeah that was me. (finally we’re getting some press) :D
List of Celebrities who pretend-hate us:
Aaron Ryder, John Landis, Edgar Wright, Russell Carpenter, Dewaldt Hicks, Mega64, and derrickcomedy.
List of Celebrities who actually hate us:
Megan Fox, Josh Brolin, and Ben Savage.
I’m so hungry. I was thinking about getting some McNuggets, but then I realized that they’re made out of gluten filler and AIDS. Also, I have Dinos in the freezer so if I’m going to eat processed chicken bits, they might as well be shaped like dinosaurs. FUCK YES
Here are the lunch options I’m considering:
- Cock-flavored soup
- Dinos FUCK YES
- Dinosaur steak (not to be confused with Dinos, this is actual Tyrannosaur meat. rawr.)
- 55 caps and stems of Psilocybe cubensis mushrooms, and one fluid ounce of LSD to wash it down
- My 4-week-old nephew (sauteed)
- Three crack rocks and a peanut
- Soup-flavored cock
- The Twitter bird
- or a Hertz Donut
So our friend Juliet met Ben Savage at a club and he wanted to have sex with her. He managed to obtain her telephone digits by bragging about how many women he had had sex with in that particular nightclub. She didn’t know who he was and kept telling him that he sucked in Indiana Jones 4. He tried to explain that he wasn’t Shia LeBouf, and she replied: “Whatever, I wouldn’t admit it either, that movie sucks.” He would text her occasionally to invite her to parties, Vegas, etc.
Then one time we were all really drunk and she was passed out, so we took her phone and texted him: “I’m watching Boy Meets World and touching myself”. He never texted her again. Then Chris decided to forward Ben’s phone number to all of his friends and told them to call him and say how cool HotDamnTV is.
Chris still calls him occasionally.
We know how much you all love cat pong, so we’re looking into some other cat sports. Is this win?
Also, HotDamnTV is a front for the mob. In reality, we are professional hitmen who killed Billy Mays, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Karl Malden, and Steve McNair. We had to kill them because they were all witnesses in the harassment trial Ben Savage brought against HotDamnTV. (more on that later) <3
Name: Suckamyhalfblackcock Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Oreo Jizz on your FACE Message: You should
find some skeezy beezys to come for a ride on my mixed
color dip stick
Name: you FUCKER Email: www.dross.com/contact Subject: fuck
YOUR SPAM in MY INBOXMessage: I WONT WATCH YOUR CRAP. DONT SPAM MY WEBSITE
YOU FUCKZ... I GOT NO FRIENDS. NOW FUCK OFF AND LEAVE
MY SHIT ALONE OR CUT ME A FUCKING CHECK... NBC
UNIVERSAL? YOURE DUMB.Name: Your Secret Admirer Email: email@example.com
Subject: Photo Request Message: I just wondered if I
could request a collection of pictures of TK. In the
It’s a crossover. I smell an Emmy.
Srsly tho, NBC fall lineup is gonna be sweet. (My personal vote is for Community, because Yvette Nicole Brown is in it, and we're essentially bffs.)
In closing, Tim Romo.
This picture made me laugh because this kid is on a soccer field kicking a ball, but it's a basketball.
Disclaimer: The President of HotDamnTV spent nearly 10 years in special education, so we’re allowed to make fun of retards. Kind of like how black comedians are allowed to say the n-word.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
9. Rape jokes. Not okay.
8. Some of those actors are on pot.
7. The president of the company is Italian.
6. Not enough Grant.
5. More rape jokes.
4. There's too many snipers in this vi-
3. Not good enough for Conan O'Brien.
2. Not good enough for John Landis.
And the number 1 reason why HotDamnTV sucks:
“The training, even though it includes actual operation of the facilities of the employer, is similar to that which would be given in a vocational school… The employer that provides the training derives no immediate advantage from the activities of the trainees and on occasion the employer’s operations may actually be impeded”
- U.S. Department of Labor
Basically, the employer is not allowed to benefit from the intern, they have to treat you like a student and actually try to teach you shit. Really? What company has time to do this? Does ANYONE treat interns as anything other than free labor? NBC sure didn't :D
pic related, it's Obama at a Dept. of Labor press conference.
Last night, there was an epic car chase all over my city. Juicy gossip: it’s Chris Brown, and he’s depressed, and he beat his wife or something! Cool! I left work at about 11:15 to find 1000 copters, police, and paparazzi all over the god damn place. I was like XOMG wat celebrity @_@ So I called my friend Grant to tell him how exciting my life is. Today he sent me this comic showing how cool it was on his end!
i don’t wanna give too much plot away but i play a newscaster: marty oheta(a totaly original name)
interesting fact: news stands for north east west and south
ok its not that interesting, but impress your friends with your new knowledge
FRIEND: “hey phil how was your weekend?”
YOU: “did u just ask me what news means?”