Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

No you silly kittencat, its Tuesday. Many cats (at time of writing 3.5 cats surveyed) believe that every day is Caturday, but they are mistaken. That doesn't stop this week's Twofer from being all about our 4 legged companions that are good for not much more than making you look really stupid if you try to teach them to roll over (play dead is a gimme, no problem). Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call these videos:
The Tale of Some Bad Ass Kittencats

Quite often when you find a Street Fight (Raul Julia's greatest dramatic role, fuck you) on youtubs its a few high school kids tusseling around on the ground showing little to no form or grace. This vidya is exactly the opposite, and also possibly a commentary on race relations (Those Skewbald Cats are always so stingy with money, and have you seen them drive? Don't get me started). Bonus: Its all set to pretty epic Predator Music.

Now If I was a Kittencat (ie something that DGAFs harder than Batman) I wouldn't start shit with an Alligator. I'd finish it. That is exactly what this Kittencat (I have it on good authority that his name is Persimmon) does. First he stares the Gator down harder than a Chicano fella driving in his car, next he boops the gator on the nose with such authority you'd think his name was god damned Jonah Hill. This is a pretty serious vidya. Fuck yea, Caturday.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Drinking Game: Beauty & The Beast (Disney Animated)

Difficulty: 3 of 5 Beer Steins
This is one of Taylor and my favorite disney animooteds ever. So naturally to celebrate its release (as in from captivity not unveiling) from the clutches of that dastardly mouse's vault, what better way to celebrate than use celebrate three times in a sentence and MAKE A DRINKING GAME! Ever since this movie came out, I have screamed "Where have you taken us Phillipe?" when lost. Nobody seems to get that, so I guess thats a bad story. On a serious note, this is a breathtaking blu ray transfer and its almost so pretty it hurts.

Step 1: Get a hold of Disney's animated "Beauty and the Beast" featuring some fine bestiality action and the greastest song of any disney movie ever.

STEP 2: ???

Drink when the following are said/heard*:
A musical number starts
Drink after every verse in "Gaston"
Every time creepy asylum man chuckles nefariously

Drink when the following are seen:
Lumier disobeys the rules
Phillipe Looks Displeased
Something is destroyed (sound as well)
Gaston strikes Lafou

Finish your beer:
Beast eats porridge
Gaston plans a marriage
A gargoyle loses its head

*NOTE: Song lyrics count as well.

Final Thoughts:
Sean:NOOOooooooo... OOOoooooone....... FIGHTS like Sean, no one bites like Sean, in a drinking match nobody DRINKS LIKE SEAN! I guess I like the original better.
A moderate level drinking game, a great movie. Achievement unlocked: 2 Disney drinking games. Taylor: If you don't know the words to every song in this movie: a) you're clearly a Nazi, and b)this drinking game will not help at all. Grant: If everything that is alive in the movie used to be a servant or something at the castle... Who were all those fucking forks from the "Be Our Guest" musical number and what kind of sins did they commit to be condemned to a hell of being a fork for 20 years..


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Turkey Day Squares

From all of us at HotDamnTV, to certain people that read the dumbshit we shoot/write. Thanks for giving a half a poop!

Special thanks to ToonHole for being a heap of righteous dudes and not giving me permission to steal their comics but probably not caring. Happy Thanksgiving gang.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

Today Constant Reader I face my most daunting challenge to date: Write (fill space with words) something clever about two television programs I know NOTHING about. I have already written in great detail about how aggregating clips of the same thing equals an exponential growth of lulz (the formula is f '(x) = ln (e^(kt)) ) so today I've brought you clips from several very popular shows available only on premium cable. TK loves these shows, I guess something had to fill the void after Queer As Folk stopped airing.

The lovestruck youtube user who toasted this had the following to share:
Don Draper uses the word "what" as Van Gogh used color or Beethoven used sound. Here's the man using the word in all of its glorious inflections from the first four seasons.
This guy's pages consist of 90% erotic fanfiction about Mad Men. I'm sensing this may be one of TK's accounts. (he's a legithomo). The only thing I have to say about Mad Men is that the juggy redhead was also in a few episodes of Firefly and is fine as hell. Like serious snoo snoo going on there. Steve (of ex-room mate fame) also has a thing for this broad, but I totally called dibs.

I first saw this on Something Is Awful.com, a small up and coming humor website that has something called a Massage Board that the kids seem to like so much. Maybe some day they'll get somewhere and make some of the internets we have on here. Although not quite as streamlined as many lulz compilations it still gets the point across. I have never seen a single episode of this show. As I understand it its a show about inbred red neck vampires that don't sparkle but still love to fuck each other (and by each other i mean dudesex). God am I sick of this vampire fad. Remember when Anne Rice used to write about vampires and they were more bad ass than William Zabka (aka the bad ass villain from every movie from the 1980s) wearing a leather jacket and smoking a joint while drinking beers before going into the school dance and beating the shit out of anyone dressed up like a shower? That was really neat.


Friday, November 19, 2010

Drinking Game: Robin Hood (Disney Animated)

In an insane bid to make a drinking game for every movie related to the heroic albeit vile personage known as Robin Hood, who was actually Robert The Hooded, a rapist, known for his unusually large and foxlike foreskin and his cruelty towards 10 year old girls of all ethnicities in jolly old medieval England, we bring to you an animooted classic from the early middle years of Disney (vault?). Also this movie somehow spawned an entire sexual fetish. This game is rated NIGHTMARE MODE!

STEP 1: Get a hold of Disneys animated "Robin Hood" starring lots of furrys.

STEP 2: ???

RULES:Drink when the following are said/heard:
Robin Hood (twice)
Aheeh! Mommy or Momma (said by Prince John)
Whistling (by narrator or other characters)

Drink when the following are seen:
Robin Hood's terrible disguise fools someone
Hiss HYPNOTIZES a motha-fucka
An Arrow is fired
Sir Hiss appears (he a sly pimp)
Little John seems remarkably fat
Security is strangely lax (ie the Arrow-shooting contest, the jail, and the castle)
Hiss's tongue goes in someone's ear
A thumb is sucked (Prince John--obvi)

Finish your beer:
PJ Says "Forgive me a Cruel Chuckle"
PJ says "PJ! I Like that! Do you know I do? Hiss--put it on my luggage!"
Little John says "What a beautiful brawl!"
PJ Says "I've got a dirty thumb"
King Richard says "You'll have an outlaw for an in-law"

Final Thoughts:
Sean:I blacked out. I believe this one is a roaring success. Mostly because of the arrows rule. We should probably stipulate the Conan precedent that you should use your discretion to make the arrows manageable, perhaps opt to drink WHILE arrows are being fired. I definitely drank for Each arrow. A true film classic and a true drinking game classic.
Taylor: You know I think the arrow thing is dumb and for new fags only. Its too much. Maybe you should drink every 5 arrows or so or when they hit a target.

For our comrades in mother Russia.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Legit Interview: The Dude from HorribleLogos.com

HotDamnTV recently sat down with acclaimed horrible logo creator known only as Horrible Logos Dude. After paying him handsomely to make us a really bad logo (and not paying someone like our pal Chris Allison) we were able to ask some very important questions, and since there is nothing more classy and Pulitzer-worthy than a straight Q & A style interview (fuck you Ben Fong Torres and the horse you rode in on) that is what we are presenting to you, oh constant and loyal reader (awesome run on sentence). This dude was so classy he even formatted the questions I sent him and probably corrected some of my spelling errors.

HotDamnTV: How did you first come up with the idea to draw horrible logos for beer money?

HorriblLogosDude: I started with me getting pissed off about all of the cheap logo sites popping up everywhere offering crap logos for a super low price. It shows that a lot of people don't really care about the final product; it's more about getting a good deal. Well I'll give you the best deal on the internet and it's guaranteed to suck.

Followup Question: What sort of credentials (apart from 65 pages of
awesomely bad logos) would you display to a non believer, unsure about
whether or not he's actually going to get a horrible logo?

My horrible work speaks for itself. It really depends on what kind of mood I'm in and how rushed I am as to how much your logo will suck, but it will definitely be a shitshow.

We noticed that you were on Thrill List, has that affected your

It hasn't affected my drinking at all. I can drink and do logos at the same time no problem. I did get a boost in sales when I was on thrillist though.

Followup Question:What was the process like for getting invited to be
on Thrill List?

They contacted me and said they like what I'm doing and wanted to do a feature on the site.

What is your favorite bad logo you've created to date?

man, that's tough they all suck equally.

Followup Question: How about the worst?

They are all the worst.

Have you been approached by anyone more famous than us to create logos?

Let's see.....I did a logo for Maggie the Movie Star Dog. Look it up, she's hot shit. I think she was a guest star on Top Chef.

What do you think of our stupid website and videos? We rip on Ben
Savage on the regular and have asked Megan Fox to make a sex tape with

It's awesome. I love it. I love Megan Fox too.

How bad of a logo would we get if we paid you 34 cents and 1 box of
Franzia Sangria and 1/2 a bottle of Popov Vodka?

Ha Haa. I don't know. Let's give it a go.

If it wouldn't be terribly gauche, would you mind telling us just how
much you've been able to drink with the help of kind souls across the

My beer stash is rapidly growing...and hopefully I can continue to make shit logos to keep it healthy.

We're so proud of this fella, and he's from Orange County so naturally we respect the shit outta him (Dan TK and almost me being alumni from CSUF). So if you guys want a crappy logo drawn by a pretty fresh guy try to stumble into his website.


BONUS: I was testing out my brand new underwater camera last night, observe the results in stunning FULL RES! (Shoots in 720penis)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

Oh tireless and faithful reader we have a confession to make. We're turning Wapanese. We've decided that if we could only move to Japan and find a kawaii desu desu girlfriend to make into a waifu and study the noble art of the Samurai then everything would be so much easier. You western pigdogs just don't get it. Chris Madero has been reading manga for years, you nerds don't even know what a One Piece is. Sean has an unhealthy obsession with Omorashi, Futanari, and yaoi cat-boys. Also Tentacles. TK is going to change his name to Akira Trigunbeboptsu, and maybe my Dad will respect me and stop calling me a faggot for watching cartoons about preteen wind-goddesses who can't make friends.

Video related, my favorite artist ever. I'm in love with her. We're also going to need a Bento Box. It can be pinku (thats japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be of 2 or more kotoba (that's Japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. Before I buy it I want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]. And it would be nice if it came with matching chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in Japan. and not in China or Corea (Korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to the one im describing in E-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i dont want my gohan (rice) to touch my other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)

Can it be that you guys just don't understand the power of true art? This is from one of my all time favorite movie, Suicide Circle. You might know it under the bastardized translated title for your feeble Western minds, Suicide Club. This movie contains not only the greatest soundtrack since Yul Brynner played King Mongkut of Siam in The King and I (1956) but in the original trailer YOU SEE A BITCH FAX HERSELF TO DEATH. Yeah, you read that right, unfortunately I don't recall seeing it in the film. Screw this, we're moving to Japan. The land where 90% of schoolgirls under the age of 14 either own a giant robot or have been molested by one. The land where the toilets are smarter than you. Nagasaki (too soon) and Hiroshima (too soon).

Friday, November 12, 2010

Drinking Game: Scott Pilgrim vs The World

I was supposed to see Scott Pilgrim vs The World (aka SPVTW, which is what the kids call it) in theatres with Grant and TK, but due to circumstances beyond my control (the Jews) did not. We at hotdamntv got an advanced screening that mysteriously had a bunch of Thai writing and an odd watermark at the top, because we are legit media critics! Scott Pilgrim promises to be a rockem sockem noholds barred edge of yourseat feel good thrill ride and I heard there were tits, so here we go!

Step 1: Obtain a copy of the Blu Ray of Scott Pilgrim vs The World starring Michael Sarah as the awkward teenaged fella that gets the girl.

Step 2: ????


Drink when the following are said/heard:

A video game sound effect
Scott (1 drink)
Scott Pilgrim (2 drinks)
Fake High School Girlfriend
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB!(take a smaller sip if this is not said with enthusiasm)

Drink when the following are seen:
A popup text box
Waterfall your drink as soon as the opening credits get old
Every time Ramona's hair color changes
Scott Pilgrim is nervous/awkward about his hair
A cup is crushed
Doods sleep together(additional +1 drink for every dood)
A bus ride
A Splitscreen
Coin explosions

Finish your beer:
Scott tells the Pacman Story
Scott gets a life
An evil ex shows up
Scott has a dream involving a cactus
"Not really a big deal" is said

Final Thoughts:
Davs:(Left after the first few minutes)
Davs: ..."You should drink every time she changes her hair!"
Sean: "Who the hell are you talking about? The loli?"
Davs: "NO. No. You'll see."
Sean: "I feel like this drinking game is the best movie I've ever seen."
Davs: "K me and wifey gotta go, let me know what you think of the pirated advanced release copy!"
Sean: "K."
Sean: I am sex bob-omb! BLARRRGHHHHHH! I loved this flick, I feel like the difficulty level of this game is probably 90003/infinity power level. Best played with many people to be sure you don't miss any drink opportunities, but even with a few omissions you still get the idea. The drunk. I was tempted to say drink for every coin you see, but people keep saying my Robin Hood arrow rule was a little hardcore...Thanks kids and remember to have safe sex! Wear a bullet proof vest, you never know when there's a sniper about!


Thursday, November 11, 2010

..Birthday Sex?

I'm a really good looking fellow. That goes without saying. Believe it or not I have kissed several very pretty girls on the face. I recently celebrated my 26th birthday and like any red blooded American I wanted only one thing: Birthday Sex.

A few questions remained unanswered though. Who would give me this birthday sex? Like the robot once said,

"It takes two to play a game of Global Thermonuclear War,"

and smooshing requires a similar number of participants (1-5 depending on which state you're in). I ventured out in search of a likely female of breeding age and inclination in search of certain things. The results were decidedly negative, but I never do anything if I don't think at least someone will find it funny.

So I figured I'd check with Emily, my first agent/entertainment lawyer and in house counselor ever. She's a very good sport.

Undaunted I pushed onward, casting my line and hoping for a little nibble. Acting on E's sage advice, I boldly tried again.

Things progressed swimmingly from that point on, I turned back to the facemash to try my luck.

A very good friend of mine is a brightly colored crayon named Christine, but she was a bit too far away to sign up for any kind of coitus.

Some people did not react at all.

Stacey, who was perhaps the most interested of all, was easily distracted.

The best way to keep your website online is to ask your webmaster's girlfriend if she wants to breed.

The first girl to ever have sex with me didnt seem to be interested in giving it another try. She is no longer impressed with me or my mustache.

Pei Pei was easily the runner up in terms of being interested.

The prettiest girl in Tennessee unfortunately seems to have developed a case of very bad taste, but if she was here I'm sure she'd be interested.

But actually I had a really awesome birthday. I kissed a pretty girl on the mouth several times, had duck tacos, made friends with a squirrel, drank 3 liters of Stone beer, and had delicious foods and beers from Haven Gastropub. Felt great. Also my twin brother turned 26 too, but he is a dickshit so this blog is all about me.


Monday, November 8, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

It is truly a tragedy the way budget cuts are affecting our public school systems. Musical education is given the axe to free up more funds to pay for stupid shit like new books, computers, and new helmets for the football team (real men play rugby). I blame Barbara Boxer, I blame Joe Biden, I blame Senator Frank Lautenberg (D) the 86 year old senator from New Jersey! What are kids crave is music! Here is a bit of musical education for that ass.

This first gem comes from the darkest heart of Korea where children are taught to perform maximum APM on Starcraft at a PC Bang at a very early age. The other thing they are taught is how to have the voice of an honest to goodness angel. A Siren, plying at your heart strings like it was a lute made out of solid pewter with a few minor imperfections and rust spots. My favorite part about this video is that the top result for "Korean Boy Touch My Body" (I'm so glad that is going to appear in my recent search list) is some dickshit from America (username: mornder) that has gotten almost 6 million views. He stole it from some other dipshit who has gotten 1.5 million views (username: kenyfany) but at least this guy linked back to the original kid's channel and hasn't covered it in a bunch of racist subtitles. When you finally get to the kid's actual channel (username: rlaehddnjs) he's got like 170,000 views. Sad face. 'Fugee face. But fuck that kid since he disabled embedding on his vidyas. Korea hujub doggy face.

This sounds like its probably Korean. I use the phrase "certain things" an awful lot. When I'm making up new song lyrics on the spot its definitely my go-to guy. Upon further research I've found out that this guy is Saint Lucian, meaning he comes from the Caribbean island of Saint Lucia. So picture the arc of islands that starts with Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands (not after I got done with them) and then curves gently down to Trinidad and Tobago, Saint Lucia is right in the middle of that stuff. Thanks for reading chums. Don't forget to check out our vidyas (new shit coming soon!) and subscribe to our youtubs channel.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

I was a Digital Playground Monitor

I've held numerous strange jobs during my tenure in the "Real World" (This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.). I've been an assistant butcher/scab during the strike that went down a few years ago at our local super markets (sorry UFSW), trade show model, and a karaoke DJ, even a professional vidya game tester.

One of the most memorable gigs I ever had was as a digital playground monitor. I signed an NDA, so I can't really tell you exactly who I worked for, or which video game I was a Game Master for but it is/was a fairly successful game from a VERY prominent company. I worked the graveyard shift with a bunch of other fellas doing science into the wee hours of the night.

My role in this company was a part of a crack team of customer service specialists who assisted players with matters that arose while playing in The World. Our duties included the following:

  • Assisting players that had become stuck in the geometry.
Sometimes a player would just run at a wall wrong and get stuck underneath a house, or maybe fall off of a cliff. These calls had top priority, because we didn't want players to get angry and log off or try to do anything scandalous while they were down there.
  • Investigating use of third party tools / cheating
In any game that is played by millions of people you are going to run into hackers that try to bend the rules. So like Cop Drama:
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
Only it was a bit more like:
In the digital justice system, the players are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the GMs who investigate crime and the Senior GMs who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
So we would spend a lot of time investigating and banning hackers (always Chinese people, we'll get to that later.) and trying to maintain balance and order in a lawless digital realm. Now by hackers I don't actually mean any legit programmers, those are few and far between. Usually you'd find someone who has a program that someone else made that allows them to exploit the rules inside The World. I would find clumps of people performing automated activities (usually fishing) off somewhere in the depths of the ocean. You're not supposed to be able to walk miles off into the sea, or teleport from spot to spot mining minerals. Enough exposition, you get the idea.

Here are some transcripts from memory.

GM: Hail, adventurer! I am GM (CENSORED). How may I assist you this evening?
HowDoIZone: Hi GM! I'm having an awful night. :(
GM: I am very sorry to hear that, what can I do to assist you tonight?
HowDoIZone: Well GM, AwesomePlayer won't stop following me! Every zone I'm in, HE'S RIGHT THERE! He won't stop following me and it is very bad. Sometimes he says things.
GM: I see. I can understand how frustrating this can be. If you do not wish to interact with this player you may choose to make use of the Black list command you can use this by typing (CENSORED).
HowDoIZone: But GM I don't want to use the black list in case he says something about me!
GM: I see. Well then unfortunately there is nothing more I can do to assist you. An adventurer may do whatever he wishes to do in which ever area he chooses to do it, provided he does not violate any of the Terms of Service.
HowDoIZone: But GM! Can't you just ask him to stop, or move him somewhere else?
GM: Unfortunately I am not permitted to interfere in this manner, but I suppose you could try leaving the area you are currently in. Perhaps try teleporting to another area, or choose to exit from a different route so that he can't follow you by sight.
HowDoIZone: Whatever! You GMs don't care about adventurers. You're in league with the (CENSORED: Real Money Traders)!
GM: I hope I was able to help you resolve your problem , Is there anything else I can help you with today Adventurer?
HowDoIZone: Can I have $1,000,000?
GM: No. Thank you for the call, and good luck in your adventures.

This guy was a real winner. In almost every zone or area of the game there are multiple entrances and exits. In fact the area he was in was directly adjacent to a private area that ONLY the player could enter, and upon exiting the player could decide which area to move to. I simply could not understand what was going on with this player, and chalked it up to some kind of grudge. I suppose you would have had to play this game to understand how ludicrous it was for someone to wait 45 minutes to talk to a GM about such a trivial matter that the player could have easily resolved.
PLAYER: HerpDerp

GM: Hail, adventurer! I am GM (CENSORED). How may I assist you this evening?
HerpDerp: HI GM! This is fucking unacceptable. What are you guys doing over there?! I have been calling for 2 hours.
GM: I see. I am very sorry for any frustration this may have caused you. I see you just placed your GM call 10 minutes ago, how may I assist you tonight?
HerpDerp: I have been trying to get a hold of your service center for like 6 hours! It says right on the website the hours are from 8am - 3pm.
HerpDerp: Why won't you guys answer!
GM: I apologize for the inconvenience sir, but since it is currently 2AM PST the service center is currently closed. You may find the hours of operation on our website.
HerpDerp: But its only 10AM! You should be open, I'm not stupid GM I know what time it is.
GM: Sir, our offices are located on the West Coast of North America, and in this timezone it is currently 2AM.
HerpDerp: Timezone? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm in Iran and it is fucking 10 AM! I need to talk to your call center about my bill immediately!
GM: I'm very sorry for any inconvenience sir, but you will have to contact that department during normal business hours. We are unable to assist you with anything other than in game matters.
HerpDerp: ...You fuck you GM.
GM: Thank you very much for the call. Is there anything else I can assist you with tonight?
HerpDerp: FUCK U!!!!!!

I feel like giving a brief explanation of how time zones worked may have been helpful, but seriously. On the company website right by the contact information it clearly stated what time zone we were in next to our hours of operation. We laughed about this for days.

Thanks for reading kids, there should be some lulz back up there somewhere. I've got loads and loads of stories like this. Also be sure to check out the vidyas and subscribe to our youtube chammel so that google thinks we're as cool as this fag.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Twofer Tue..Wednesday Technically

So what have you done with your life buddy? Have you saved any puppies from drowning? Have you cured any of the cancer? We live on an amazing planet full of people doing incredible things, like not having sex with human females (or dudes, I guess whatever you're into).

The kid on the right has gotten 100% on an insane version of a Dance Dance Revolution In The Groove 2 song that should only be possible by a billy goat on crack. I have never had any luck with rhythm games as serious as DDR, I'm more of a have a few beers and play Rock Band kinda guy. I have also had sex with 5 women.

Enough talking shit about nerds though, let's explore one of the coolest stories I know (apart from The Tale of Ben Savage). We've known a fella named Tyler for quite a while. He is an integral part of the crew of villains HotDamnTV associates themselves with in Orange County/Riverside. Many a party has been thrown at his house or with him present. (Ask me about the time he and I decided to strike a bargain to trade a unicycle for a handle of vodka, shit was SO CASH. Yes, I was the one who ended up with the unicycle.). Tyler plays a lot of DDR, and through a series of interesting circumstances (read: I can't remember the details) he landed himself a role as DDR Consultant for Jim Carrey's run away hit "Yes Man".
In some of these shots the foots you see blazing across the robot input device are actually Tyler's. So make sure to throw that back in your parents faces when they say you're wasting your time playing vidya games. Don't just dream it, BE IT!


Also don't forget to watch the new hotness: HotDamnTV's legit grownup interview with smoking hot porn star Madelyn Marie! Also if you know how to use twitter (I don't) you can check out her tweets. She sure does have nice tweets.

Edit: I don't know as much about vidya games as James. Thanks bud.