Monday, January 31, 2011

Everywhere I look.. Juggalos

It is widely known that I am a pretty serious juggalo. I own more than 150 Insane Clown Posse T-Shirts, jerseys, panties, and socks. Essentially I spend my days and nights doing really serious juggalo stuff and trying my best to fashion a Grant that 90% of females are not interested in sleeping with. This affords me some unique insight. In addition to keeping tabs on what's going on in the world of clowns and delicious bargain brand soda pop my encyclopedic knowledge of the Psychopathic world allows me to notice certain things that other people might miss.

Take 2008's runaway hit "The Rocker" (aka "The rocker - Il batterista nudo" - Italy) starring Dwight Schrute. On the surface its a story about The Jonas brothers only with some jail bait, a fat dude, and some weirdo creeper thrown in for the lulz. But look a bit closer. The T-Shirt this fat boy is wearing is the cover of 1/2 of Insane Clown Posse's double album release for Halloween of 2000 release entitled Bizzar. A very fresh album that spawned a music video that even saw a little bit of MTV air time (at 3 in the morning). Although only visible on screen for a few seconds ninjas that have sharp beady eyes (me) noticed it.

In the year 2009 ICP enjoyed some very serious internets when their video Miracles went more viral than Meningitis, which by the way is up to 5.8 million observations. Holy shit. We already spoke about that though. Miracles isn't the only place to observe some serious juggalo shit though, does anyone remember a little film called "Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li"? No, its not the fresh as shit movie starring JCVD and Raul Julia, this one is an abysmal lurching abomination starring the very f-wordable Kristen Kreuk. I can probably write about 300 words about the dreadful things I'd do to her.

The film meanders about trying its damndest to do that whole "character development" whatsit and make you give a half a damn about a white girl Chun Li (very similar to how the white man butchered the Dragonball mythos into some awful pile of shit with a white guy) until eventually Chun Li becomes a wicked hot hobo. She slums it around in Bangkok (lol) for a while and manages to avoid all rapes and obtain free egrolls from hideous Thai broads. One scene has her waking up after sleeping on a bridge or some shit and she walks by a guy wearing THIS SHIRT.

I had to hit paws (mew mew) on the video and observe it again. Holy shit sir, I own that shirt. Not only is it an Insane Clown Posse shirt, but its a tour shirt from one of the best tours they've ever done. Imagine if you will Twiztid, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Anybody Killa, Dark Lotus, and Insane Clown Posse all playing on the same bill. If none of those names mean anything to you, then fuck you, but its on the same level of like Justin Bieber, The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Ke$ha (pronounced Kay-Ee-Dollar Sign-Hah) all playing the same show.

Fucking neat. Just goes to show that there are juggalos all around you, not in the Fight Club they cook your food and keep you safe kinda way, but its neat just the same. Shit, even Kane Hodder the guy who plays the unstoppable Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th is a juggalo. So is Vanilla Ice. So is your mom. Keep an eye open for those hatchetman chains fellas, cuz they're all around you.


Ask Marit why I love this song.

Friday, January 28, 2011


Here at HotDamnTV we put the MEN in entertainment. Every Friday we're going to be bringing you a nugget of delicious Hollywood or entertainment news. A delicious chicken nugget. The 99c spicy chicken nuggets at Wendys are a delight. PRO TIP: Ask for the Chipotle Ranch sauce to dip them in. Depending on how cripplingly chicano the teller is he may or may not say they don't have it, but they do. Its in the salad dressing packet which can make for some tricky driving and eating.

From "Dark Knight" to "Dark Tower?" Fresh off his Golden Globe win for the "The Fighter," sources say Christian Bale has pulled ahead of Javier Bardem and Viggo Mortensen as Ron Howard and
Stephen King's choice for "Tower" main character, gunslinger Roland Deschain. We previously reported that Howard's adaptation of King's books has set off a casting frenzy, w
ith agents battling to land their clients roles in what promises to be a blockbuster franchise. A source said "Dexter" star Jennifer Carpenter is rising on the short list for the role of Susannah, as is French/Moroccan Ghita Tazi. - New York Post
This is very exciting news, if it do ya. Say thank you. Sometimes Hollywood remembers the face of its father and shit gets very neat. Little Stevie King is no stranger to the big screen, a huge chunk of his work has been turned into film. There is even a nod to Dark Tower fans in the 2007 film "The Mist".
As a faithful reader who kind of cheated (read: started reading The Dark Tower series after all the books had been written) I am very excited to see this series finally come to the silver screen. Also it would make my day to play a role in this film, so in case any high powered hollywood types stumble across our blog I will act my face off for this movie. A girl Tom had sex with one time also thinks she could play Susannah (the young hot one from Wizard and Glass) so Tom should get a role in this film too. That's all for this week chaps.

BONUS: A note from Stephen King!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Twofer One..fer Tuesday Thursday

Here I thought we were terribly clever for knowing about the Double Dream Hands guy. Turns out Ellen Degeneres, who has succesfully wifed one of the hottest broads of all time, has a serious thing for this guy. Shit has gotten so serious that he actually appeared on her birthday show and performed his brilliant coreography.

Also, your face when they disabled the color change option in the embed codes from youtubs :(. But on a serious note this guy's dance skills are something wonderful to behold. Its like being bathed in the suns golden rays. Like getting pearl harbored by a bushel of cuddly puppies. It just feels good.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Behind The Scenes: 3OH!3 Vidya

Hey there pals, just a quick tidbit. Showbiz ain't all glitz and glamor. A lot of work goes into making things happen, and sometimes that involves shit tons of shemale email correspondences. I recently received this email from the guys that produced the 3OH!3 video:

So naturally I replied and gave them my all.

Maximum trolling.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Not A Big Deal

In which we discuss certain things that seem like a big deal, but in fact are not.


A tale of HotDamn players and their interactions with famous folks

I've written several blogs about my continued success at failing, specifically at acting towards a camera and getting paid for it. I landed a gig a few months ago working on a shoot for 3OH!3's hot new jambox "Touchin' On My". Please note that this was not for pay, but it was one of the first actual acting gigs I've landed in years (hos don't know all about my 500+ audition fails). I wasn't sure what they were going to use me for and neither was the crew I hung out with (PRO TIP: you can always tell if a person is a part of the crew by their black v-neck really tight American Apparel t-shirt).

(I'm in the thumbnail for the video)I took the day off work and battled traffic like an hero to get to Los Angeles, and then hung out at a park watching the crew shoot there for like 5 hours. There was lots of down time for the artists (Sean and Nat of 3OH!3) and I was the only grown up there so we spoke a bit. Nat is a giant mother fucker, something like 6'7'' and I talked with Sean about being a me being a juggalo. I was pretty impressed when he told me they listened to The Great Milenko like the entire ride over. Finally it came time to use me in a shot and we did like 6 takes of me beating up 10 year olds.

Fast forward to today and I happen to check the 3OH!3 website and there is the video I'm in. Its not a big deal because EVERYONE in the video except for Nat and Sean have their faces mosaic'd out. For maximum Grant start watching at about 1:30. So I'm famous but I acted so hard they had to blur out my face for fear of having to pay the Screen Actors Guild. On account of the acting.

BONUS: You may be excited to know that Nat was a cool enough guy to do a quick review of our internets!


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

C'est en faisant n'importe quoi qu'on devient n'importe qui -Rémi Gaillard

(That means "It's by doing whatever that you become whoever".) So what do we know about France? Well we know that very pretty girls come from there. I feel like they're more or less responsible for Nutella and that shit is tasty. Also have you ever had Orangina? Its soda with mother fucking orange pulp in it. Its quite dank. One other thing that comes from Franchland is motherfucking Rémi Gaillard, the baddest dude to ever smoke cigarettes and wear berets (arguably the gayest hat ever created) and baguettes and shit.

I first heard about this Eiffel Tower looking motherfucker a few years ago when he did this. This baguette drove around Paris (are there any other cities in France? Probably not.) with a radical gas powered gokart doing Mariokart style shenanagins. I'm very proud of him. An awful lot of his schtick seems to be fucking with and then running from the cops. SO cash.

Apparently the Mariokart thing isn't the only thing he's done though, he managed to fake his way onto the field during a WORLD CUP championship and pass himself off as a member of the team and shake the french President's hand, go swimming in aquariums at the french version of Sea World (Le Sea World I think it's called) and so many other shenanigans. Great troll or Greatest troll? Special thanks to Chris Allison for sending this one in.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

Drinking Game: Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: Punctuation

I was expecting a run of the mill moderately entertaining action movie, with plenty of recurring elements to drink to and hoping to have enough sand involved in the SANDS of time to get truly smashed in short order. Alas, this movie does not stand up to epic marathons like Conan the Barbarian or The Crow (Hard Mode) but it will suffice until the new Twilightmovie comes out. This being said, It appears that Mr. Bruckheimer was able to make more happen with god damn marionettes and fetid smelling water than with 3 god damn video games worth of material. /shrug -_- Drink we must! So prepare to get really tired of hearing "Persian" accents done in a remarkably British fashion, in Prince of Persia: SOT or AT LEAST UWE BOWEL DIDN'T GET HIS FILTHY FAGGOT HANDS ON ONE FRANCHISE!

Step 1: Get a hold of Disney's (Is this a pattern?) Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (Blu Ray)
Step 2: ???

Drink Whenever the following is said or heard:
Prince of Persia (finish your beer)
Dustin (The main characters name? Is that arab?)

Drink Whenever the Following is seen
Sand swirling
Something is climbed
Anyone drinks
A knife is thrown

Finish Your Drink When:
At least once to lament the upsettingly British Persian accents. Thats just ignorant
A main character dies
Waterfall when Sands of Time effect happens
Finish your beer if you can't hang for the climax (bitch) (yeah you'll need a pitcher or 2)

Final Thoughts:
Sean: Ugh... it feels dirty like an Uwe Bowell movie but... I have a delightful buzz. I can see they spent money on this but... man I just don't...Taylor: (Taylor had food poisoning from In n Out which I just defeated and celebrated by drinking and couldn't be reached for comment)NO ONE CARES. Sean: Yeah I agree. Entry level at best. The Twilight Drinking Game has got to be better than this....

-Sean (Ghostwritten by Grant)

BONUS: Music from the sound track!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

I was just thinking. American dudes are kinda into Asians. What do you think they call American Porn over in Japan? Is it a thing like it is here? My brother owns a DVD called Soybusters 9: ALL Oriental Teens there might be a gangbang in the title somewhere too. This is great for several reasons. One because it says Soybuster. What does that mean? Is it gluten free? The second is because it says "oriental" which is a flavor as far as I know, not a race. That is racist. This week's twofer takes us to the bright yellow heart of the West Indies: Japan.

In Japan they have girls with breasts on the front of their bodies. But some girls seem concerned that their bust is not quite up to snuff. Enter Japanese Super Science with.. something? I'm not sure if this thing just wobbles the titties or electrocutes them or what but I think I approve. Now as far as the outlandish claims that tiny breasted japanese girls go from a size 14 year old boy to buxom beauty quicker than a furry getting raped by a few tentacles, I can't really comment. But it all seems eerily legit.

People have been making movies for something like 4,000 years. The earliest known movie is called "Birth of a Nation" and was shot in 4500 BC on film made from fern leaves and sticks and shit. Fast forward to the misty shores of Japan's fijords and you can see just how far we've come. I can't imagine how many millions of Yen the camera they shot this on cost but again I come to the startling conclusion: SEEMS LEGIT.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

Drinking Game: Planet Earth

Ahhh Planet Earth. Boris Lvovich Rosing (Russian: Бори́с Льво́вич Ро́зинг) transmitted the first TV signal in 1907. Who would have thought that more than a century later a nature film finally comes along that is truly fucking epic. And features Polar Bears in at least one episode. Planet Earth is truly a wondrous achievement of mankind so I figure we can probably trash the whole thing now that we at least got it set down for posterity. To celebrate this cinematic triumph of knowledge and understanding, how could we at HotDamnTV NOT get shitfaced? (Richard Attenborugh Voice) This is... Planet Earth!

Setp 1: Get a hold of Planet Earth (Blu Ray). Yes the whole fucking series its not that much.
Step 2: ???

Drink Whenever the following is seen:
Wide Angle shot of the planet
Baby Animal
Slow Motion or Time Lapse (Waterfall for duration )
Something Is Eaten
Mating is clearly about to happen/ courtship/ mating is inferred

Drink Whenever the following is heard or said:
Worlds Largest
CLEARLY Visible From Space
Compare size of something that is not a country to a country
Any time a number is said

Finish your beer:
When a young animal is going to die/ something tragic happens. You heartless bastards you could have saved that polar bear with just one cheeseburger!
What you thought was something else/something pretty turns out to be shit. Literally. Acres of shit.
British Gross Mispronunciation of an otherwise proper and godfearing word. Ex. Glacier(Glassyear) Puma (Pyuumah)

-Ghostwritten by Grant

BONUS: And now for something completely different:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

Hey there internet buddies. How goes it? Welly well well I trust. Today's twofer is all about hands. You're probably wondering who the moderately creepy fella on the right is. His name is Mr. Hands and it may shock you to know that there is a good chance you've seen him before in the popular shock video "2 Guys 1 Horse" (NSFW even a little bit, unless you work in a kiddy porn dungeon) which in a round about way is responsible for Washington putting a law on the books outlawing schtupping animals (SFW link is the state law about it). Which to me seems like a no brainer, since there is nothing sexy about livestock. Mr. Hands ended up in the hospital and he died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. The whole story is kinda funny, since he was like a legit engineer for Boeing with top clearance and stuff. The thing to take away is that hands are funny.

This gem comes from our good pal Aaron (of international roulette and really epic beard fame). When Aaron is not being paid to drink expired liquor at bevmo he's hanging out with us and telling us to look at funny internets videos, like this one. I tried to find the song that this choreography is from but all that comes up is an Afrika Bambaataa song. This is solid gold though, I can only imagine that Darrin's Dance Grooves is almost as funny.

I'm pretty sure TK posted this on his facemash a few days ago. This video is so amazing I don't know where to begin. The lady is so fucking conceited it makes me look like Mel Gibson from the 1993 jaunt "The Man Without A Face" (where Mel bravely obscures his matinee-idol looks to really stretch his acting and directing muscles, located somewhere underneath the trapezius muscles). She makes me want to hit her hand with a tack hammer and then punch her in the face. I dare you to watch this movie for more than 10 seconds without coming to the realization that she is the worst human on the face of the planet. NIGHTMARE MODE: The whole thing. Hands are funny.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Drinking Game: Harry Potter META Game

(Blu Ray Only)
(Buy a Blu Ray player you hobo.)

To usher in the new year HotDamnTV has pulled out all the stops to bring your our most ambitious drinking game yet. Dozens of Bothan spies died to bring you this drinking game. Happy New Years you lot.

In a misguided and thinly veiled attempt to indoctrinate the world's youth into believing and practicing witchcraft most satanic, RK Jowlings that napkin toting slut, has somehow managed to suck cocks and make devil pacts with enough MPAA members to get these godless necronimica released as films! Whats worse there are 8, even more than there are unholy tomes, and they have been distributed in more languages than our good lords book! Fear not though, the Christian fundamentalist research division here at HotDamnTV has come to the rescue of both our minds and souls with the only thing that could possibly combat such villainy: DRINKING GAMES!

Step 1: Get a hold of any Harry Potter Movie (Blu Ray)
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Pick a character. Now I know What you're thinking, this isn't how these go, but stick with me. For the Harry Potter years 1-7 drinking games, you are going to experience the movie AS the character. Mostly whenever bad shit happens, it happens to your liver as well. You pick your horse, you stick with him throughout the movie. No switching once characters have or should have already boarded hogwarts express, and no fucking whining of your character is too hard or too easy. A set of general hints for maximum victory:

Pick RON, Hermione, Or Harry. These are gonna be your starters, if playing with additional people the Weasley Twins count as 1 character but you drink double.
If you choose a Teacher (Dumbledore is off limits because he's leet) you drink at a difficulty multiplier of 3x for all counts (Hagrid and all other Hogwarts staff that are alive are considered teachers).
A secondary STUDENT character you drink at a 4x difficulty multiplier.
If for some fucking reason you pick a non-Hogwarts-staff Ministry Employee, Order of the Phoenix Member, or Death Eater (Voldemort is also off limits) you drink at a 5x multiplier level. Should you find any other character loopholes, go ahead and drink at a 10x multiplier cool guy. And people dead during the current movie don't count!

Remember that while playing you not only drink for all global drinks, but for specific character induced drinks as well.

Character Rules:
Drink when your character:
Does magic
Is the victim of magic
Is hurt
Name is said
Gets a smooch
Receives an owl
Receives points to or from Gryffindor

Global Rules:
Drink whenever the following is seen:
Gryffindor receives house points
Gryffindor scores in a quiddich match
A magical creature
Brothas, at my hogwarts?! (there is only 1 black dude at Hogwarts so keep your eyes peeled)
Rain or snow
Scar hurting
Magic cloak
Marauders map
Broom flying

Drink whenever the following is heard:
Unforgivable curse performed or mentioned
Twins share a line
Ministry/Ministry of Magic/one of its departments
The name of a movie/subject of a movie is mentioned (Stone,sorcerors stone, chamber of secrets, azkaban, goblet of fire/etc)

Finish A Beer:
Whenever someone fucks up a bit of magic
Whenever someone dies
Someone actually talks TO a ghost

Final Thoughts:
Sean: Although you may need a pen and paper to remember when you're drinking, the immersive RPG experience of the HP meta game really pays dividends I think. The key here is going to be brothas at my Hogwarts, and selecting a good character. Harry might be a whore for spellcasting, but he may not be the best choice for every book. I'm looking at you middle 3 books. Add bonus points by marathoning games and don't pick the same character twice in a row!