Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

Now I know what you guys are thinking. Its Tuesday and you probably want to watch some super fly and funky fresh videos don'tcha? Well I promise we'll get to that in just a second, but first I need to clear something up. Today I'm not trolling. I'm not going to ask if you're mad or if there is a problem, officer. No gentle people out there on the far corners of the interbutts, today we are going to Trolololololol.

I stumbled upon this gem a few months ago and I was floored. This shit is incredible, it is a hauntingly beautiful melody. This vidya went more viral than your mom's herpes and soon the entire internets was loling while they were trolololing. Apparently the sauce on this video is that back in the medieval ages this guy wrote a song about cowboys or some such manliness. The czar or whoever runs Russia thought it was too pro-American because of all the legit cattle roping and such so they were like "Fuck you sirrah, in soviet Russia song sings you." and then they made him just sing it with no lyrics. How do you sing a song that no longer has words? Like this fucking guy: You trololol as hard as you can.

While hunting for the clip that talks about the source of this opus via an interview with the Trololo guy I found this. Holy fuck this is awesome, like I dgaf hard on Jimmy Kibble because he's schtupping my jewprincess (Did I ever tell you guys about the time Sara Silverman said she'd have sex with me after she was done her stand up set? I was in the audience and I screamed out "Please have sex with me!" right at the beginning of her set and she responded "After the show." True story. Emily was there I think.) but him getting that bad ass Nazi fella from Inglorious Basterds to do this is fucking awesome. Its easily on par with the "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" thing Kimmel did and I approve of all of that.

Thanks for reading e-p@ls (Didja see how i threw in the little email thinger there? How fancy! It reads e-pals though, not e-patls or something c'mon lets get serious).


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Everywhere I look... Juggalos.

I'm a pretty serious juggalo. I've already explained to you just how many ICP T-shirts I own (>150), making me thrice the juggalo you'll ever be. One thing I've come to love during my time with the dark carnival is cheap ghetto fruity frothy soda pop. When I was a young lad in the ghettos of the suburbs of Northern Virginia back in the '00s I used to eat a nacho cheese chalupa and a 2liter of Giant Super G brand Fruit Punch soda every day. That shit tasted like candy, it was awesome.

One of my favorite kinds of sodapop, also much espoused by the Wicked Clowns and their millions and millions of fans is Faygo. Faygo used to be notoriously difficult to find on the Left Coast. Although distributed by the same company the distributes Shasta for some reason the farther from the Motor City you get the rarer it gets. All is not lost though, true habeebers! Whole shipments, nay whole coolers have appeared in the hood near you! Both myself and my pal Snookie (fuck you, he was gripping that way before the bitch from Jersey shore) have both found delicious pop within spitting distance of our respective homes.

Unfortunately some of the best flavors seem to be in absence, but I was assured by a clerk at my store that they had just sold out. I particularly love Redpop, Moon Mist, and Diet Root Beer(because the smell reminds me of live shows).
Fun fact: at Clown shows they throw only Diet Pop because they have found that the lack of legit sugar makes clean up a snap! Except for the fact that there are 200 gallons of Faygo on your venue's floor, lighting, sound system, and mixing booth.
So keep your peepers peeled and your sniffers set to Ultra Sensitive (like my penis tip) and you may just find some deeeelicious Faygo somewhere in your neck of the woods. Faygo, ask for it by name.


tl;dr We found Faygo in stores near us and we're happy about it.

Friday, March 25, 2011


A pretty exciting news tidbit dropped earlier this week, but since I only write entertainment stuff on Friday (I actually wrote this on Monday but its not important enough to bamp up to Monday, so shut up) I appreciate your patience. Grown up news blogs around the world (we were not invited) have gotten a hold of press releases hyping up the much anticipated beginning of production on Peter Jackson's next project - The Hobbit. In addition to that an official facepile page has been opened and contains some highly erotic photos of a very svelte looking Jack Black Peter Jackson entering a hobbit hole (not a dry or sandy hole, or a wet dank hole). Read on nerds:

Start of Production press release:


In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit…

Wellington, NZ, March 21, 2011—Production has commenced in Wellington, New Zealand, on “The Hobbit,” filmmaker Peter Jackson’s two film adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s widely read masterpiece.

“The Hobbit” is set in Middle-earth 60 years before Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings,” which Jackson and his filmmaking team brought to the big screen in the blockbuster trilogy that culminated with the Oscar-winning “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.”

The two films, with screenplays by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Guillermo del Toro and Peter Jackson, will be shot consecutively in digital 3D using the latest camera and stereo technology. Filming will take place at Stone Street Studios, Wellington, and on location around New Zealand.

“The Hobbit” follows the journey of title character Bilbo Baggins, who is swept into an epic quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor, which was long ago conquered by the dragon Smaug. Approached out of the blue by the wizard Gandalf the Grey, Bilbo finds himself joining a company of thirteen dwarves led by the legendary warrior, Thorin Oakensheild. Their journey will take them into the Wild; through treacherous lands swarming with Goblins and Orcs, deadly Wargs and Giant Spiders, Shapeshifters and Sorcerers.

Although their goal lies to the East and the wastelands of the Lonely Mountain first they must escape the goblin tunnels, where Bilbo meets the creature that will change his life forever … Gollum.

Here, alone with Gollum, on the shores of an underground lake, the unassuming Bilbo Baggins not only discovers depths of guile and courage that surprise even him, he also gains possession of Gollum’s “precious” ring that holds unexpected and useful qualities … A simple, gold ring that is tied to the fate of all Middle-earth in ways Bilbo cannot begin to know.

Martin Freeman (SEE PIC ON RIGHT) takes the title role as Bilbo Baggins and Ian McKellen returns in the role of Gandalf the Grey. The Dwarves are played by Richard Armitage (Thorin Oakenshield), Ken Stott (Balin), Graham McTavish (Dwalin), William Kircher (Bifur) James Nesbitt (Bofur), Stephen Hunter (Bombur), Rob Kazinsky (Fili), Aidan Turner (Kili), Peter Hambleton (Gloin), John Callen (Oin), Jed Brophy (Nori), Mark Hadlow (Dori) and Adam Brown (Ori). Reprising their roles from “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy are Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, Andy Serkis as Gollum and Elijah Wood as Frodo. Jeffrey Thomas and Mike Mizrahi also join the cast as Dwarf Kings Thror and Thrain, respectively. Further casting announcements are expected.

“The Hobbit” is produced by Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh, alongside Carolynne Cunningham. Executive producers are Ken Kamins and Zane Weiner, with Philippa Boyens as co-producer. The Oscar-winning, critically acclaimed “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, also from the production team of Jackson and Walsh, grossed nearly $3 billion worldwide at the box office. In 2003, “The Return of the King” swept the Academy Awards, winning all of the 11 categories in which it was nominated, including Best Picture – the first ever Best Picture win for a fantasy film. The trilogy’s production was also unprecedented at the time.

Among the creative behind-the-scenes team returning to Jackson’s crew are director of photography Andrew Lesnie, production designer Dan Hennah, conceptual designers Alan Lee and John Howe, composer Howard Shore and make-up and hair designer Peter King. Costumes are designed by Ann Maskrey and Richard Taylor.

Taylor is also overseeing the design and production of weaponry, armour and prosthetics which are once again being made by the award winning Weta Workshop. Weta Digital take on the visual effects for both films, led by the film’s visual effects supervisor, Joe Letteri. Post production will take place at Park Road Post Production in Wellington.

“The Hobbit” films are co-produced by New Line Cinema and MGM, with New Line managing production. Warner Bros Pictures is handling worldwide theatrical distribution, with select international territories as well as all international television licensing being handled by MGM. The two films are planned for release in late 2012 and 2013, respectively.

-MGM, courtesy of /film and Peter Jackson's Facemash page
The release goes on to talk about how neat Peter Jackson is and Wingnut Studios and Newline Cinema, but since you've already bought 4 different versions of The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy you probably already know all that.

We leave you with an EXCLUSIVE first look at the entire cast of the dwarves (did you know JRR Tolkien made up that word? The proper word is dwarfs.) and Bilbo, AND Sir Ian McKellan reprising his role as Gandalf. This is not a clip from the 1977 animated The Hobbit they used to show on the Disney channel and you had on VHS, fuck you this is my blog. (You remember they used to occasionally show The Lord of The Rings, and even more rarely they used to show The Return of The King? And you could never find copies of it in movie stores but then in 1998 you found them on Amazon.com and you begged your parents to buy it for you and you had to give them like 2 weeks allowance but when it finally got there you were pretty stoked? A similar memory exists for the Ralph Bakshi version of Lord of The Rings, but your quest to find it began a little while before production for the first Peter Jackson film started so the studio that held the rights to the DVD held out to drop it near the release so they could cash in on all the newfags that bought it thinking it was the Jackson movie and it was really a rotoscoped epic that was crippled by rewrites and budget shortfalls.)


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

Music today fucking sucks. The worldwidetubenetwork makes it possible for every aspy (that's short for aspergers, ya know that made up disease that every weirdo on the internets has? I called him that because its not nice to call people retarded or say they have downs.) kid who bangs on a chair to get a record deal based on never saying never and growing up (to the age of 14) to look like a 30 year old butch lesbian. To paraphrase Insane Clown Posse's Violent J:
"Parents hate our music because its rock and roll. Parents are always gonna hate rock 'n roll. Shit, in the future when there's aliens and shit we're all going to be saying to our kids "Turn down that fucking moon music that shit sucks!" Ya know? Cuz its rock 'n roll so its fresh."

-Violent J

This vidya has been making the rounds on the chams for a few weeks now. I've seen image macros about "Fraiiiiday" and shit like that and managed to resist the temptation to observe it, but I gave in and I was amazed. Who is this Rebecca Black? The official answer according to the JEW RUN MEDIA is that she was created by Ark Music Factory, a shady organization that allows parents to try to buy fame for their tweens. But HotDamnTV dug a little deeper and found some new information. According to the twilight saga wiki:
"Rebecca hadn't been home once since she got married, though she did have a good excuse. Plane tickets from Hawaii were pretty pricey."

―Jacob Black on Rebecca

Rebecca Black is a Quileute woman, twin sister of Rachel, older sister of Jacob and daughter of Billy and Sarah. She married an unnamed Samoan surfer when she was eighteen and moved to Hawaii, partly to get away from the memory of her mother who died in a car crash. Jacob, no matter how much he misses her, only mentions her a few times. She and Bella Swan were childhood acquaintances.
Though great pains have been taken not to mention her burgeoning music career and her indecision as to which seat she wants to take, based on my painstaking internets detective work she's obviously some kind of gay werewolf or gay vampire. This song is incredible, autotune has become so popular that the kids seem to feel obligated to use it, especially when singing/talking the word Fraiiiiiiiday.

I wish I could remember how I stumbled upon this vidya. I feel like it had something to do with me googling haxx for Call it Duty: Black Cops. Seeing this must have been a lot like Moses seeing the burning bush (heh bush), or meeting Jesus after he respawned 3 days later. Its pretty obvious that some one spent considerable amounts of money filming this: they have a concert venue fully stocked with tweens and more glow bracelets than a raving music festival, a legit stretch limo, and at least $200 worth of old xbox games, $40 if they're all copies of Madden 2008. I tried to visit their website, but it is unfortunately down for repairs/upgrades or some shit and has just a picture of the band. The url on the vidya redirects to Jerrywatson.com... and that is a website about a fucking fire lookout tower in Georgia or something... so.. whatever that is. Ask me if I was going to try to book them to play in my living room with all the Adsense money that Google sent us. Yes, yes I was.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Twofer Threefer Tuesday

Hey there internets, how're the tubes treating you today? We're pretty psyched here at HotDamnTV because St. Patrick's day is coming soon! Its easily one of my favorite holidays. Grant and Sean are both 50% Irish and Kat MaximimDizzle is something like 120% Irish, if we're going by freckles. I fucking love corned beef and taters and drinking. The only thing I like more than all those things is girls, because ya know they're good at making sammiches.

Troy Duffy's masterpiece The Boondock Saints came out in 1999 and just the act of making it and Duffy's career afterward is quite the story in itself. Duffy was just a guy who loved action movies and one day he sat down and fucking wrote this beautiful film. Here is one of the freshest scenes from that movie where FBI Agent Johnny Utah Paul Smecker is observing the scene of a serious fucking gunfight that the boys just left. Picture related unrelated, its Patrick Duffy.

When I heard a squeakquel was coming out I was really excited. Since TK and I were in LA at the time we saw an advanced limited release screening of it at the Universal City Walk because we're awesome. We snuck in a bottle of whiskey and drank until we were both Irish as fuck (and he's Asian or Pacific Islander so that is quite a stretch). It was everything I hoped it would be and fuck anyone who doesn't think its good. This speech gives me chills every time I hear it and the music is just awesome. Duke Fucking Wayne.

Fucking eh, also here's all the F-bombs from the first film. Feels fucking great. Have you ever seen the deleted scene where the boys call their mother and ask who was born first and they scream "Ma!!" when they think she shot herself? We do that to my mom every year after we're properly sloshed. Happy St. Patrick's day fellas, Sláinte. We're probably going to do something special for it but odds are we'll be too drunk to write or shoot anything. Thanks for comin' out.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

Well I didn't write a Twofer last week because I didn't feel like it. I apologize. I feel sort of bad. I've got a whole bunch of stuff piled up but most of it is random and unrelated and those are the hardest to sort out. Feast your visionholes on these friends! Can it be that you don't understand the power of a true twofer?

Have we already talked about Black Swan and how much we like it? Because of the story, and the dancing and the costumes. That's why. Chris is very interested in ballet, being something of a lady himself. We also like Natalie Portman because she can act. What is acting you ask? Its when you act so hard that fluid leaks out of your face, and Queen Amidala sure is good at it. This is a mashup of an awful lot of her acting. Girls cry all the time, but when they do it on camera its ~ACTING~.

You know I love compilations, easily 2% of all Twofers are composed of a long compilation of something or other. This joint right here is a whole pile of people saying No. Mostly we're talking about the long Darth Vadery NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo kinda No, but also in here is some other stuff. We hear No here at HotDamnTV a lot. But really people, doesn't no really mean yes? (It doesn't) Thanks for listening chums! I love you all like Chris loves womens clothing. Wearing it I mean. Including but not limited to womens underwear.


Friday, March 4, 2011


Well its like this pals, initially I was planning on writing about today is Catherine O'Hara (aka the mom from Home Alone and Sally from Alternative Hipstery Before Christmas) and Mykelti Williamson aka Bubba from Forrest Gump's birthday today. It was going to be a very funny but highly time sensitive blog. I got the idea for this last week before I realized that the motherfucking Oscarcast was going down. So we're writing about that.

Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Writing - The King's Speech

This year was definitely the year of the stuh stuhhh stu..st... stammer. The King's Speech took home an awful lot of hardware. I'm going to be honest, I've seen it and it is really good. Better than 127 Hours or Black Swan? Maybe, but not by much. I feel like Danny Boyle and James "Venom from Spiderman 3" Franco deserved a bit more credit though. I think if you can make 55 minutes of James Franco stuck under a boulder and 20 minutes of him wandering about a canyon until he bumps into a heap of Dutchmen interesting to watch you deserve some Oscar Gold. Colin Firth was AWESOME in The King's Speech so I'm comfortable giving him the double-you for his actoring, but Danny Boyle should have gotten a bit of love. Case in point, observe the video I made for illustrative purposes:

Best Actress - Natalie Portman

So I went and saw Black Swan with TK and Dr. Mr. Alex Wolf. The Wolf's room mate (who is/was knocked up if I recall, but that kid ain't mine. But yea, I totally would) or someone works at a theater so we get mad respect. We show up with a 1/5th of Brandy and we proceed to enjoy the shit outta this movie.

I never thought I'd care much for a movie about ballet but this is a rich tapestry of paranoia and tension. An interesting portrait of the stress involved when your time in the sun can be cut short in an instant because the show must go on. But srsly the only thing I love more than ballerinas is gymnasts. Juliet is a gymnast. Summer Glau is a ballerina. Feels great.

Best Foreign Language Film - In A Better World

Most people don't give a fuck about the Foreign Language Oscar. I'll bet you couldn't name this years winner, you haven't seen it, AND you can't name any other winners of the past. Ever. This is the 83rd Academy Awards, I'll bet the only other Oscar people give fewer fucks about is the Best Title Writing (only given out in 1928). I haven't seen it either, do not become alarmed. Not for lack of trying though, I searched torrent websites for at least 10 minutes trying to get a copy. The only reason I do care is because of one of the other nominees, Dogtooth. Which is a very fresh and very strange Greek movie that contains scenes of probable wincest, a 18TPY girl bashing out her teeth with a 5lb (kilogram? lol) weight, and kitten murder. You have to watch it, it is a very strange movie, I'll have to write a blog just talking about it later. Here, have a taste of the surreal:

Best Cinematography, Best Visual Effects - Inception

Inception was tight. The top never falls, it was all a dream. We can have a Deckard Replicant debate about it but fuck you the ending was intentionally ambiguous and I think it was all a dream. Wanna fight about it? Inception was very pretty and I'm very comfortable with it getting an award for its trouble. We liked Inception so much we even ripped off some of it for a video. See pic at right, from Inception, not from a hotdams vidya.

Best Original Score - The Social Network

Jewey Eisenberg didn't win any awards for acting like Moot from 4chan, but that didn't stop this years pseudo-docudrama with mostly factual information from winning this years Best Original Score Oscar. I feel like this is kind of bullshit though, having Trent Reznor make music for a movie about the early 00s is kind of cheating. It'd be like having Elvis write the music for a movie about the 50s. Also Hot Damn TV is 6'4'', 240lbs and there's two of us (see pic at right). I just don't like The Social Network because I'm the same age as Zuckerbeard and I work at a gas station.

That's it buds, my official Oscar roundup. Some other people won some other shit, but I don't know what a Foley is or a Best Boy, so fuck it.