Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Everywhere I look... Juggalos.

So there I was, mild mannered as hell, driving into work listening to Kevin and Beam on the World Famous KROQ. Surrounded on all sides by traffic that had no discernible cause, I heard them do a segment called Bean's Death Corner where they talk about someone who died in an interesting/wacky/rapey way. None of the stories were terribly extraordinary so I just filed them away under N for Neat and resolved to steal some of their content by going through their internets vidya of the day instead of doing work for a Twofer.

To my surprise I got home and found that one of the stories is incidentally about a Juggalo! Observe:

An obvious probable UK Ninja, observe the Dark Lotus Tee. Also I'm pretty impressed that girl managed to Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique that rather slight looking fella, props on the crit. That's all for now buds!


BONUS: Our lovely/talented girldrink of a promotions gal is working hard on some pretty exciting stuff! We're gonna play this one close to the chest like Commissioner Gordon from Dark Knight for a while though.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Twin Thing: Part i: Introduction

Some of you may or may not know that Sean and I are identical twins. This is probably not our most identical picture. Sean slouches a lot and is fatter than meUPDATE: At the time of publishing technically I weigh more than Sean but I'm way fitter. What does being a twin mean? That means that through a motherfucking miracle of some kind after my daddy's sperm knocked up one of my mommy's eggs (cluck) that hot zygote divided into two at some point and shit got CRAZY. We're monozygotic twins (See picture at right for detailed explanation). This is both a blessing and a curse, I mean we're 6 foot 4 and 230 lbs and there's two of us (lol Social Network). All of our lives we've had to endure what seem to be very serious questions about our super powers (Sean can smoke 4 packs of cigarettes in a sitting) and various psychic abilities, but that topic is for another day. Today we're going to talk about another slightly more famous set of twins both of whom are named Michelle. That's right, the Olsen Twins.

Now I'm not one to critique camera work but seriously. You guys. Seriously. I'm not sure if all of the Olsen Twinz video cassette tapes feature more shaky and wobbly framing than The Blair Witch Project but fuck, spend that extra cash on a steady cam rig or a stool or something to set the camera on. These two broads grew up dead center in the eye of the public. Why, you might ask, weren't Sean and I stars of popular sitcoms with serious homoerotic undertones? A VALID QUESTION. Lol, IDK.

Tune in next week when we discuss popular twin questions, metrics are guaranteed because there's nothing funnier than punchlines in pie graph form.

Also happy Rapture! I'm out.


Friday, May 13, 2011


I'm going to start this off by telling you about Thor and how much I love it. IT. The comic, not the dude. I did not watch this movie because I want to rub myself all over Chris Hemsworth, even though I’m sure he does have some tasty man meats. No, I’m a fan of Norse mythology and comic books, and when I found out Marvel did a Thor comic I almost wet myself. When I found out that a movie was being made out of said comic I was 100% sure it was going to be a terrible bastardization like “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, which I’d like to pretend doesn’t exist. Also Thor is rad because he’s a God and he’s totally badass. He gives Iron Man a savage beat down in Siege:

My concerns:

“Normals” (non-nerds) aren’t familiar with Norse mythology. If I go up to a normal dude and start talking about Loki or Odin he’ll look at me like I’m a crazy person and not know what I’m referring to. These aren’t well-known characters in mainstream culture; most people have just heard the name “Thor”, but know nothing about him.

Concern #1:, “How will characters be introduced?” The director’s going to have a hell of a time giving a mainstream audience a crash course in mythology while making the plot interesting.

#2 : Making the plot interesting to mainstream audiences has a great potential to leave my precious comic book fantasies all screwed up so that only flashy and easy to understand plot devices are conveyed, and the result is little to no relevance to the original imagery or plot.

#3 Casting– it had better be freaking perfect. I was more worried about casting for Loki than anyone else. He’s a complex character (duh, God of Mischief) and he has to be good at looking innocent AND devious, while appearing somewhat similar to comic book depictions. Also, in the storyline used in the comic, during this period in the Marvel Universe Loki is manifested as a woman. (Because everyone on the internets knows, the best way to trick boys into doing things for you is by being a girl).

In the movie Loki was a dude (obviously) but again, for simplicity’s sake they kept it closer to the mythology than the comic so the viewer wouldn’t have to follow the comic to get it.

Casting was perfect. Super rad. I’m only slightly grouchy that Heimdall was a black guy because it’s inconsistent with the comic and Norse mythology, but I’m not mad. Technically Sif is Heimdall’s blood sister…but since that’s not brought up in the movie I’ll just forget the continuity error and say Idris Elba did a fantastic job of portraying him.

Bro and sis??????????????

There are some good comedy moments (much like in the comics) where Thor and the warriors three don’t really fit in to a small town in New Mexico.

Just look at the casting and costuming on Thor’s BFFs “The Warriors Three” - From L - Hogun the Grim, Fandral the Dashing, and Volstagg the Valiant. An excellent job was done translating this comic to film.

The movie had great integration of J. Michael Straczynski’s Thor run and elements of the Marvel Siege story arc into the currently developing Avengers concept they are piecing together with the Hulk, Iron Man, Deadpool, Thor, and Captain America movies. It was VERY true to the comic. Probably because Straczynski was one of the writers on this film. Good move, Marvel. They kept things a little simpler for the movie by not including some major plot points like the city of Asgard being transported into Oklahoma (which leads into the Siege plotline and isn’t discussed in the film), but they had iconic shots in the city in New Mexico that were obvious homages to that imagery in the comic.

Characters are introduced organically, through context. As viewers of Marvel movies, we’re already familiar with SHIELD, so SHIELD’s presence and Jane Foster (lol human Sif in the comics) make for a smooth transition for the audience to understand the originating Norse mythology as Jane learns about it WITH SCIENCE. Comedy option moments like Thor throwing down his cup at the diner when he wants more coffee might seem kind of contrived, but that’s the kind of humor that’s in the comic when Asgardians go to Midgard. They have their own culture, and they’re in culture shock. Even though it’s slapstick comedy it could theoretically be an accurate situation, so I like that and I’m glad they kept that stuff in the screenplay.

In the comic Loki sends the Destroyer after Thor, Thor’s banished to Midgard (Earth) and Thor takes on Donald Blake’s form. You can see adaptations of this in the film – but I’m not going to give away the whole movie.

You can see how Kenneth Branaugh (a British dude) directed it, because the British filmmaking style is clear when Loki’s scheming is more subtle than in the comic. I would have liked a few more evil looks in asides to the camera because that’s one of his things… but I can see how that could be pretty corny when translated to film.

There’s a cameo with Hawkeye, so that’s cool.

Stay after the credits, as with all the Avengers movies, there’s a little rad thingy with Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson).

I give this movie 5 ladyboners up.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Everywhere I look... Juggalos.

Michael Moore is easily one of the biggest trolls on the face of this planet. He spends his days bothering poor secretaries and making people at the bottom end of the totem pole that is a giant corporation feel as uncomfortable as possible. Its one thing to "take on" the big guys and try to win one for us poor huddled masses but the only thing that separates Michael Moore from Sasha Baron Cohen is a lot of pseudo-intellectual voice overs and 80% less dick jokes. Don't get me wrong though, I love a good troll as much as the next guy.

One of Moore's most recognizable "films" (yea that's in quotations, infer what you will) is Bowling For Soup Bowling for Columbine. Set minutes after the infamous Columbine Massacre in which some sissies who weren't football team decided to play Duke Nukem 3D with their entire school (without telling them) we find Michael Moore exploiting some very nice gunshot victims to further his sensationalist agenda. The best part of this film comes when they start trolling K-Mart for selling bullets. I'm allergic to peanuts, I think we should troll Indian restaurants and demand they remove all peanuts from their delicious Caviar Vindaloos. Seems about right. Anyway you happen to see this fella on screen helping a dude that can't move around so good on account of all of the pew pew pew he absorbed from Msrs. Klebold and/or Harris:

Yup, as plain as the nose on your face that guy's got on a Juggalo Baseball Jersey. Which is neat. The neatness is compounded by the fact that I incidentally own the same jersey. I picked it up at a clown show back in the day when they did the Bizzar/Bizaar Tour. Because I'm dumb I wore it during the show and it is now covered in Faygo and Clown Paint (crowd surfing is a spectator sport).
PROTIP: When going to a Clown Show if you want the merch you buy not to get fucked up come equipped with an empty trash bag and a backpack.
30% Credit goes to Sarah (Prettiest Girl In Tennessee) for reminding me about this. Here's a couple more shots:

Moore demanding an All You Can Eat Buffet

"Who is going Chicken Hunting?", Inquired the youth

Moore becomes outraged that they only included 4 dipping sauces for his chicky nuggies.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Twofer Tuesday

This is an extra special twofer because its about one thing. Things girls have shown us. I know what you're thinking, bosoms bottoms and feets right? The REAL sexy stuff. Surely being associated with HotDamnTV not only makes girls wetter than Thailand during the monsoon season but also makes them want to get their bodices ripped and their bodies rubbed by us. I'm just kidding, all we're really talking about here is videos a girl (B-Tans) brought to our attention :3

I think we can all agree that Ke$ha is the Mozart of our generation. Don't let the fact that she looks and sounds like that drunk girl at the party that thinks every song is about her throw you off, she's a real gem. By gem I don't mean a lowpro pants-suit wearing broad by day and legit big haired rocker chick by night and I guess mystery solving too or something. Someone spent an awful lot of time making this video, and it is funny as balls. It syncs up so well because Star Trek is from the future, and at that point there is all manner of world peace and stuff. Kinda like in Bill & Ted's Excellent adventure, only its Ke$ha not the Wyld Stallions that are to blame. We owe you a great debt Ke-dollarsign-ha, thank you and god bless.

I can't believe this has been around since June 2007 and not only have I never seen it, but it only has about a million views. This is some great stuff. Whenever you apply the concept of real life to characters in movies or video games the result is often full of win, this sketch is no exception. The guys that do the voices for all the robots are spot on and it makes this that much funnier. Brandy was able to make us laugh with her using girl-science and certain other things. HotDamnTV can take a lesson from her (less fart jokes?). Aggressive big ups and shout outs to her for ghostwriting this (why didn't I just make her write it..?).


Monday, May 9, 2011

Congratulations! A winner is you.

Excellent work chums. Although many (could have) entered few all won. You may recall that I posted a link on the hotdams facepile page for a contest where the rules were simple, and the entry method was even easier (just like.. in honor of Mother's day we're just gonna let that one slide) all you had to do was click Like on the facetubepile. Although not all of our contests are failures, it just seems that people HATE free stuff. Especially really fresh free stuff like pictures of my grille and motherfucking shark key chains.

The following people will be contacted via facebox-massage and sent their loot when I get everyone to sign the photos and get around to mailing it. Congratulations to all who entered and a fat heap of dicks to everyone who didnt!


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Drinking Game: Back To The Future I

So everyone loves Back to the Future I. With Libya on everyone's minds (I overthrew my government before it was trendy) and the recent shake down in Japan (I'm going for a joke about Parkinson's and Michael J. Fox wobbling while trying to be insensitive to the Japanese peoples) we felt that it was time to do America a disservice and make a drinking game for the best movie about time traveling since Planet of The Apes.

Step 1: Get a hold of Back To The Future starring Michael James Fox.
Step 2: ???
Drink Whenever the following is said or heard:
Marty McFly (drink twice (tom told me not to put this because its redundant. Fuck him, thats why))
Clock Tower
1985 or 1955
Moderately offensive racial epithets that were okay in the '50s.

Drink Whenever the Following is seen
Anyone drinks
Someone gets into the DeLorean
Pepsi Free

Finish Your Drink When:
The title of the film is said (Back To The Future (lol))
Marty makes out with his mom

Final Thoughts:
TK: This is one of those good movies where just a few rules keep a consistent pace. You will get drunk, not as drunk as the Conan drinking game, but you'll be close. GIRL: Hi. GRANT: I was impress, I feel like maybe we should add a rule where you have to wobble whenever Michael Jerry Fox is on screen on account of the Parkinson's. That's why.


Friday, May 6, 2011


There are very few movies about rugby, which is a shame really on account of how great a sport it is. I had a Kiwi of a coach once and he told me that rugby was a game for thugs played by gentlemen, and football was a game for gentlemen played by thugs. I used to play for CSUF (see picture at right, Dan was there too.) You can also find me at the bottom of a heap of dudes in this picture:

Invictus is easily the highest profile rugby picture ever made. Starring Danny Glover Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela and Jason Bourne as François Pienaar the dreamy captain of the Springboks. Mandela is trying to unite South Africa after years of apartheid and other unpleasant stuff, so he turns to Rugby to do it. Its not really a movie about rugby, its more like a movie that happens to have a lot of rugby in it. Its not bad at all and Freeman's Mandela is spot on.

Forever Strong stars Jake Tyler as the epitome of hard luck. You may remember him as Jake Tyler from Never Back Down, the boy who was handsome and football team at one high school and then moved to another high school and became UFC and although he was supposed to learn that he's not supposed to fight he continued to beat the shit out of everyone. In Forever Strong he is a self centered rugby player who DUIs and doesn't afraid of anything. While in a juvenile correction center instead of being punished he is allowed to play for a rival rugby club who teach him the value of hard work and sacrifice. Also how important it is to rip off the Haka (a spot of Māori culture of New Zealand that the All Blacks Rugby team does before each match.) probably because it just looks cool. A rather decent film and some great rugby action.

This Sporting Life is a 2 hour movie about rugby (and rape [in the 60s "No" means "Do it anyway"], and homoeroticism). A coal miner who dreamed of a better life manages to earn a spot on the city's rugby club. From there he gets carried away in a life of extravagance. The movie is shot in a strange way: halfway through it you see Richard Harris (That's right fucking Dumbledore. You heard it right.) get his face mashed up in a very brutal clothesline style tackle from another player and 6 of his teeth get broken. Then we go back to the events that lead up to it. The easiest way to tell where you are in the story is by what Dumbledore is drinking. Not very much rugby in this movie its more of a riveting character study. This movie could use a foley artist, it is eerily silent at times. Great actoring though, check it out:

There's also a movie about an all gay rugby club from New York. I'm not sure why they would want to have a team with nothing but gays but they seem pretty adamant about it. Here's a trailer, haven't seen this one though: