Wednesday, July 24, 2013

HotDamnTV Book Club : Chapter 1

Books are neat. They are full of words, punctuation, and all sorts of different notions! The HotDamnTV Book Club is going to be an ongoing semi (heh, semi) regular feature about literature.

Chapter 1: Or, Why Haven't THEY Made This Stuff Into Awesome Movies Yet?
EDIT: I wrote this post like 2 years ago and I'll be damned if all of these things aren't either going to be built into movies or have already become one!

I do realize that a good portion of these authors/books that I am about to discuss may or may not be in various states of production and well on their way to becoming films, or may have already been made into a really stupid animated movie (Watership Down, I'm looking you squarely in the eyes) but I don't care. Moving on, I am going to discuss a few properties that should be movies and express my indignation at their absolute lack of box office presence.  If you haven't read 'em, go out and get your learn on!

Ready Player One - Ernest Cline

I'm working on another blog specifically about this book, but suffice it to say that it is incredible.  One of my favorite books of all time.  Ernie Cline wrote Fanboys (easily one of the most under rated and over looked geek movies of all time) and if you liked that movie you'd love this book. This book is chalk full of video game and pop culture references from the 80s and would be a licensing nightmare to try to produce, but ohhhhhh so worth it! It would be so epic.  In a dystopian near-future a willy-wonka esque contest plays itself out in a virtual world not unlike The Matrix or Snowcrash and it is awesome.  That's why it should be a movie. The other blog is way longer, so stand by and I'll do some cross linking when I'm done with all the typing and whatnot.

UPDATE: The movie rights have been sold and Ready Player One is currently in production!  It is my life's work to become a part of the cast or crew of this film.  I'd spit-shine lenses for just copy and credit if Ernie would have me.

Redwall (series) - Brian Jacques

I was once a young boy, and at some point I was in the third grade. Even at this early age I had been told constantly how much potential I had and that I was special or something because I read so much and barely had to study to ace tests like it was my job. Once upon a yesteryear I walked into my school library and asked the Librarian if she had anything in the occult section. I had learned the word the previous week and had read a pretty fresh book about a vampire that lived in a library and did vampire stuff to roast beef sandwiches instead of people's necks. The kindly lady replied that there was not really an occult section because this was a public library in a grammar school. Undaunted I demanded that she fetch for me her largest tome. According to her the longest book in her repository of knowledge was one by none other than Brian Jacques, and it was called Redwall.

I was enthralled!  These were tales of high adventure and more than that they had pages and pages dedicated to describing delicious feasts.  I'm a big fan of stuffing the old gob so these passages really spoke to me.  Every one of Jacques' books are full of battles, suspense, escape, slavery, possible racism, moles that have serious speech impediments.  I couldn't put them down and over the years I have read just about everything Jacques wrote.  If you like young adult furry fiction look no farther than this series.  Get eyes on some crummy fan made trailer or something.  Its all more or less rubbish.

I recently found a website to stream the animated series online supported the author's estate and bought a copy of the cartoons.  The cartoons are absolute shit and so repetitive it makes Jean M. Auel's Earth's Children books seem like they're not just 6-14 pages of descriptions of prehistoric ferns.  This property could do with a good CGI movie full of excitement and peril.

The Dark Tower (series) - Stephen King

When I was unemployed for an extended period of time a few years ago my then current and very muscley flatmate Steve introduced me to Steven King's The Gunslinger, the first tale in the epic meta-fiction and genre bending journey that would become known as the quest for The Dark Tower. I was hooked, I couldn't put them down! For something like 2 months I spent pretty much every spare minute reading through all of the ponderous tomes (Sorry Steve, but you and I both know that your books are worth their weight in gold and no editor would dare remove so much as a semicolon.) and eventually I got to the end. No spoilers, but I'm sure we all know that if a journey is grand enough the destination doesn't really matter. There are periods on the end of all of our man's sentences and that's good enough for me.

Bringing the entire scope of this sage to life on celluloid (or whatever is inside of memory cards) would be a challenge. I'm not even sure if HBO could do it. Perhaps focusing on one movie at a time and making it as amazing as possible would be the ticket.

The Dragonriders of Pern (series) - Anne McCaffrey

Much to my (and I'm sure Ms. McCaffrey's) chagrin the only bit of media produced under the Pern banner has been a by all the gods awful dreamcast game. It was like Shenmue bad. I cringe just typing about it. I feel like I need to clorox wipe my keyboard.

How can such a rich body of work be so long neglected? There are countless amazing stories to choose from, to say nothing of the incredible world that Anne McCaffrey built with so many thousands of pages. Take the Harper Hall Trilogy (just three of 22 novels in this verdant landscape) and make that into an epic HBO mini series!  Or literally any of the novels could stand alone and fill 90 pages of script and be a pretty fun summer event.  Dragons, Killer thread falling from the skies and devouring anything not made of stone, medieval stuff, DRAGONS!  These books were so much fun to read as a kid I would literally devour one in a sitting.  Staying up way past my bed time and destroying my vision by the dim glow of my lava lamps I would read them cover to cover.

Here, clap eyes on some of the shitty gameplay.  Its all more or less like this:

Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card

Ender's Game is the quintessential precocious child book. Kids read this at a young age because the protagonist is a kid who does something that is almost unheard of in any type of fiction (or literature in general), that is behave like an adult and have complex views on what is going on in the world around them.  Card for years said he refused to give an Ender's Game movie his blessing because he hate's CGI.  That is all well and good, but I guess science has caught up to Card's moderately homophobic but otherwise excellent vision of the future where small kids should beat up aliens.  I have read all of the Ender's books, and even the weird ones with grown up Ender and all sorts of time travel and existential science fiction and its all great stuff.  I am very excited and I can't wait for Ender's Game to come out.  Also it has Han Solo in it!  Here, dig the trailer and try not to develop a serious case of the goosepimples:

That's it for this classy discussion of literature by learned men.  Do you have a favorite book that you think would make a dynamite movie?  Post it here in the comments!  Or go back to our dumb facemash page and leave one there.

BONUS: Brian Jacques seducing the shit out of you:


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

HORRORS of Craigslist! (part i)

Welcome my little friends to the darker side of one of the most useful and spookiest places on the internets!  This is HORRORS OF CRAIGSLIST~!  Each thread of this tapestry of woe and misery will be woven together before your very eyes.  Witness if you dare, the first installment that removes the rose tinted spectacles and reveals true unpleasantness and shocking audacity on the world's largest free classified page.  Read on fellows, if you're a bad enough dude.

part i: Free Palm Trees

The free section of craigslist is amazing.  I've gotten myself a dryer that more or less works, something like half a dozen trampolines, even a full sized arcade machine!  But it has a darker and much more sinister side.  Are you familiar with freebie marketing, also known as the razor and blades business model?  Its kind of like that.  Or more accurately the ol' bait and switch.

You show up to the free section of craigslist and think to yourself, "Lamb sakes, would you look at this?  Some kind and benevolent soul is offering me not one but FIVE free palm trees?  Holy crow that is an exceptional deal.  I'm going to tweet the pope right now and start the beatification process because this guy is some kind of modern day Pope Pius XII (Hitler's pope lol, you can look it up he was actually not that cool)."

But my dear friend you are wrong.  As with anything in the free section of listo del Craig you have to think about the other end of the poker table.  Why would someone be giving away perfectly good crap?  Because removing gigantic fucking palm trees costs serious time, money, and effort!  Even if you weren't going to save it or replant it (seriously dude?) and just chop it down that alone is a bill from your boy Ernesto with several zeroes in it.  Let's take a closer look.

AH HAH~!  That's the kicker right there.  Who in there right mind would want to do this?  Much like the other horrors of craigslist I ask myself, "Is anyone actually stupid enough to fall for this obvious bid for free labor and/or junk removal?"
I guess I should blur that guy's number, unless you dear reader are VERY excited about his free palm trees.


There, much better.  Nice and respectful of the ol' privacy and such like, wot? Wait, back that minecar up, are those free pine trees beautiful AND 30ft tall?  Let me run right out and strap 3 of them to my '94 Saturn SL2.

On a scale of 1 to SPOOOKY this ad rates a 4/5, not too original but if you are stupid enough to fall for it woe unto thee!  The lesson here my precious little curly haired maidens is do not even bother clicking on a free palm tree post.  Use your noggins for something other than a hat rack!


PS: Know of any horrors of craigslist we should know about?  Drop us a line here in the comments or on our learning challenged facebook page!  While you're here you should probably subscribe to our jazz and also go to the facemash and join that!  We will love you forever and let you play with our Army Men in the sandbox.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Drinking Game : Live! (Starring Bob Levy)

I have lots of friends who were in movies, but none I respect more than Bob.  Bob is not only one of the most talented directors in the game but he also has more heart than a bag of sweethearts valentines day candy.  When he told me that he was in a movie where he played a director I immediately had to run out and get it (and by run I mean of course use the internet to buy it at a high price.).  The movie is actually pretty good (no Gymkata or Miami Connection, but what is?) and I especially enjoyed Bob's acting.  Imagine Arnold's Running Man on even more steroids and with more bullets and you pretty much have Live! starring Eva Mendes Bob Levy!  So sit back and enjoy the life imitating art imitating life!

Step 1: Get a hold of "Live!"
Step 2: ???

Drink Whenever the following is said or heard:
Bob (aka The Director) calls the line cut (i.e. Camera 1! Ready Camera 7! etc.) (drink twice if you actually see him doing the directing)
Russian Roulette
Ratings (including a number and the audience share)
Drink Whenever the Following is seen:
Someone pulls a trigger
Someone breaks the 4th wall (usually looking at the camera, but sometimes talking to the flimsy director of the fake documentary that frames up the film)
Unnecessary star filter on the revolver
WATERFALL: When Bob does his opening speech!
Characters in the film drink anything
Nudity (one or more nipples attached to a female lady)
Boom in shot

Finish Your Drink When:
WTF 50 Cent?
SPOILER: The Bro from Santa Cruz Shots himself
SPOILER: Katie Gets Shot

Fund our kickstarter to get Bob to do director commentary!  (Just kidding. Or are we?..)

Final Thoughts:
GRANT: I've got a really great feeling about this, now all we have to do is test it.  From my notes we have a lot of LIVE and a lot of Bob calling the line cut so I think this should go really well.  Wanna see me suffer through a movie like Howard the Duck or Gigli just to try to build a drinking game?  Feel free to suggest a new movie for us to do up in the comments here or on our dumb Facebook page!  Thanks for lookin' at the first new drinking game in like 2 years!  Stay more or less satiated my friends.

TYSAN: Grant, I love Bob and he is the only thing that enabled me to sit through this movie, but we both know that I was missing a beer. So heaven forbid I would have to endure this again and not just fast foward to 11 time emmy award winning Bob Levy's brave and Oscar worthy performance, I think some serious drinking describe in such text above is required. hashtag drinkingrequired.


BONUS:  That up there is Tysan's first ever blog post! Holy crow.  Also, one of Bob's favorite beers is Chili Beer, go get you some!